During this grief process I’ve felt many times that I’m pretending to be alive, pretending to participate in life. I’ve spoken with other widowed people and this is not unusual, to feel like a robot watching the humans live their lives. What I want most I will never get on this plane of existence. I want to see my husband one more time, and it’s just not going to happen. I pretend not to be angry, but I am, and that anger is rooted deep, deep in my heart and soul. Angry at God, angry at my M. for dying (how dysfunctional is that?), angry at myself for not taking better care of him so he’d be here with me today.
So I talk to my counselor, go to my grief group, and write letters to my husband every day. Grief is a process, and it’s just plain awful. I will not pretend that it’s easy. But for now I will pretend to believe others who say there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ll believe that they believe and that has to be enough for today.
Many thanks to the Bluebird of bitterness for posting something this positive and hilarious.
Video post by @bitterbluebird.
Source: Friday happy dance
My first thought on seeing this word was the Van Halen song that was so popular back in the 80s, “Jump.” David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen made it look fun, and it was full of the optimism and condo-conversion, economic boom, G. Gordon Gekko confidence of that time. I remember it well, and it’s gone, Daddy, gone, as the Violent Femmes used to say. I’m from the early 80s punk era, and I always loved the dark social commentary the punks screamed into our ears, whether we liked it or not.
So, what does Jump mean to me now? I think of Blaise Pascal’s concept of the leap of faith in his ‘Pensees’, taking a chance that the Universe is not truly hostile and bad, so we should try to believe in the good, and live by our morals and values. It’s always a chance, for sure, and it’s easier said than done. At the end of the day it’s a noble ideal, and our world could use some ideals right now. So why not take that leap, that Jump?
Below is a post from newauthoronline.com, extending the offer of a free electronic copy of his book of poetry, ‘Refractions’, until 27 September at 12 p.m. I’m reading it now, and it’s very cool. Check it out, authors and bloggers!
Thanks again for sharing. I have been pleased with the interest generated by my post (I have already sent out several free copies of “Refractions”. Consequently I have decided to extend the free promotion until 12 pm on Tuesday 27 September. Kevin
to walk a long distance especially for pleasure or exercise : to go on a hike
: to suddenly increase the cost, amount, or level of (something)
: to pull or lift (something, such as yourself or part of your clothing) with a quick movement
Source: Merriam-Webster’s Learner’s Dictionary
The word “hike” reminds me of excursions to Acadia National Park in Maine, where my husband, my brother and me went to see the great outdoors. I never had the strength to climb Katahdin, she’s too tough for me, but I did try. The one experience I treasure the most from our hikes is when a giant male moose came thundering through our campsite. It was incredibly beautiful and terrifying at the same moment. I could hear his hooves ringing like iron in the distance as he approached. It’s a sound I’ll never forget.
The next day we went down the mountain and ended up in a brook that had thousands of gorgeous blue butterflies in the air. It was like heaven. Mother Nature has beauty and fury, and we should remember to respect her.