The news came on my birthday, in the form of a death certificate needed for some fancy paperwork thing. The “cause of death” line took my breath away and the tears fell. A stranger asked, “Are you OK?” I could not speak, but my answer would have been “NO”.
Many times since I have asked myself, “why did you do it, my once dear, true friend?” The agony over a life cut suddenly short is awful in the wee, small hours of the nights. “Was it my fault? Did I say/do/not do the wrong/right thing?” Others tells me “not your fault”, but still I wonder. A piece of my heart died, that day, my long-ago but not-ever-forgettable friend.
The only answer that works for me is, there is no answer, only the peace of the Great Silence, which waits beyond. The pain lessens over time, an angry scar, but fades over years. I have lost one other this way, and the healing happens, but is never complete. Dona nobis pacem to us all.